Fifty Shades Freed


This was originally posted Feb 2018. Well, ahhhhh, ummmmm, I'll tell you what. I'm going to be fair as fuck and honest in this review. There will be spoilers because there's some shit I've got to talk about. So, you've been warned. Now, this was not a movie I had wanted to see. Full disclosure. I could not tolerate the first movie and turned it off after 15mins. But, I was stuck in a predicament and 50 Shades Freed was my only option to wait it out until Black Panther. So, I was sitting between several older women and as I watch the movie, I begin to understand its appeal to people. It's basically a Cinderella story, but this time, people get to see Cinderella travel all over the world, eat at the best places, shop at the best places, just having a good ol time. Nothing wrong with that. Anastasia wasn't nearly as annoying in this movie as she had been in the first. Apparently, some rich dick can give you confidence, stunt driver skills, and take away your clumsiness. No more falling through doorways for Ana these days. Lol. When did she learn to drive like that? Sports car driving isn't something any -ol-body can do, but we had to have a scene where Christian could marvel at her, so there it was. There was a ton of melodrama that was hella tame, almost to the point where it wasn't worth anyone's time to be invested. Christian also hires the dumbest security team ever. I hope they weren't the best money would buy. These mofos didn't even have handcuffs. I did like that Ana spoke her mind more and Christian had to acknowledge her feelings. Christian had some moments that were actually scary crazy. Like, he left his job, to come down to Ana's because she didn't change her email. He complained about that. That's crazy man antics. The movie lack consistency. For example. Christian doesn't want Ana to lay about on the beach topless claiming a paparazzi could take a photo of her. But he has no problem with her fucking him in a car in a public parking lot. Paparazzi would love that even more. I'm also supposed to believe she got a promotion all her own. Yeah, right, How long have you been working there again? Were you ever an editor at any other big publishing firm? Oh, and of course, she's just a shoe-in, all impressive at the job she's never had before. And I might add, hardly even works at. How does she or Christian get any work done with all the vacations they take? I just rolled my damn eyes and laughed my ass off when Christian said she earned it. Yeah, I'm sure she did, literally on her knees sucking off the big boss. Speaking of sucking. These sex scenes were so timid. Imagine a person afraid to stick their toe in the jacuzzi because they think the water is too hot. That was the sex scenes in this movie. I've seen steamier sex scenes in the TV show Spartacus alone. Not to mention a shit ton of other movies, hell even Fatal Attraction had better sex scenes. As a matter of fact, the one and only real BDSM-ish sex scene in the movie was played out more of an act of vengeance, which is very telling that there is a lack of understanding about what BDSM is. I found that disturbing. The dynamic was all fucked up. Anyway, the sex is very vanilla with light bondage. I was expecting a little bit more. I mean, they didn't even really simulate oral sex scenes for more than 2 damn seconds. What kind of shit is that? I've seen movies and TV shows where men and women have their full faces between a person's legs, making it look real as fuck. None of that in this movie. 50 Shades is cheating you out of decent sex scenes for an erotica movie. I will not be getting this movie on Blu-Ray. Once was enough.

FINAL VERDICT: GUILTY of lame drama, forced melodrama, misrepresenting BDSM, and being thirty mins too damn long. I'm going to also have to hold you in contempt for those lukewarm sex scenes. And for that, I fine you $1 million dollars. I sentence you to life in prison with a chance for parole in fifteen years. Get this movie out of my courtroom.

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